


when we have nothing else left

by theArchduchess



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Mirror Universe (Star Trek), prime gabriel lorca - Freeform, what even are the proper tags for prime lorca
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:20:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26450275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArchduchess/pseuds/theArchduchess
Summary: Gabriel Lorca is stuck in a universe that isn't his own with a woman who bears the face of someone he loves but isn't truly her. How long does it take before he gives up hope of ever getting home? How long does it take before he allows himself to pretend that she is who he wants her to be? How long until they both agree to play pretend in a game that can only tear them apart in the end?
Relationships: Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca, Mirror Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca | Mirror Gabriel Lorca
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	when we have nothing else left

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a hot second since I've written fanfiction, English is my second language and I didn't have anyone read over this before posting so uh ... enjoy. Also gotta say tagging anything for Lorca is a bit of a nightmare I have no idea how to tag Prime Lorca.

It had been weeks since he had run into _her_ and he still wasn‘t quite sure what to make of her, if he was a fool for trusting her or not. He hated how easy it was to put his trust into her, how much he wanted to believe that even in a place like this she could be a good person at heart, that she just _had_ to be good. He was so willing to believe she was the Katrina he had fallen in love with all those years ago at the academy even if deep down he knew he couldn’t trust his instincts about her. He was utterly incapable of being unbiased around her, not when she had _her_ face, her name ... even the way she moved and talked was awfully familiar to him. The more time they spent together the more inclined he was to ignore the glaring differences to the Katrina he knew.

She was a lot more quiet than her, only talked to ask him questions and give him orders. Not that he wasn’t familiar with that but the absence of casualty, warmth, it made it all feel wrong. In the best moments she actually smiled at him, genuinely, almost lovingly but those moments always passed too soon. Every time it happened she caught herself slipping up so quickly, much quicker than he managed to do and he knew her experience was similar to his. She too looked at him and saw someone else. A man so different from him yet also the same. He had little interest in learning about this other man.

Perhaps he was scared to look into this mirror, face what he could become under the worst circumstances. Sometimes she hinted at what _he_ had been like and it only further horrified him each time she let it slip how violent he had been, how proud of his anger and hatred. He didn't want to acknowledge any of it.

Despite the fact that he tried to remain unaffected by this universe and it‘s implications, there was one thing he could not ignore completely: Even here, in the midsts of a never ending war and a merciless regime, this universe’s Katrina Cornwell had looked at him and had seen something she liked, something she loved for better or worse. It was a cruel twist of irony that he discovered this bond between them across universes right here, right now but had been blind to it back at home when she had been right in front of him. He should have reached out, he should have never left her in the first place.

He would pay any price to get back to her just so he could tell her all those things he should have told her years ago.

Gabriel wasn't a very sentimental man but he couldn't deny that he missed her, _badly_ , and his companion only intensified the problem despite the glaring differences in her behaviour. He heard her voice every day but the words were all wrong. They lacked her usual kindness, her heart, instead being filled with a sharpness and bitterness he never thought possible for her. Her eyes were so much darker than hers, he could only guess that years and years of war and violence and snuffed out every last bit of light in them. At times he caught a glimpse of the scars on her her bare arms and wondered how many more she possessed all over her body. Regardless of these differences he couldn't quite get himself to look at her any other way than how he would have looked at the Katrina he knew back at home.

He had listened carefully to the few things she had told him. This Katrina rarely spoke about her feelings or any emotional topics, even less about the man she had known but even in a different universe he knew her well enough to tell that she had _loved_ him, as terrible as he imagined that to be. Another thing he had observed was that Terrans seemed to hold love to a very different level than what he was used to. Everything was a competition for them and Gabriel enjoyed friendly competition but imagining a never ending fight between him and Katrina that determined who got to feel superior in their relationship was the last thing he would be able to accept without feeling bad about it, without feeling like it was wrong.

Being with her had been one of the few things that never had to be a fight. It had never been easy, sure, sometimes complicated or even chaotic but never a _fight_ against each other. There had always been an unspoken promise between them to be each other’s anchor, the last possible support before either of them hit the breaking point and burned themselves out.

He was about to reach that breaking point now and he wasn’t sure how he would manage to go on without her by his side, how he was supposed to keep going when he wasn‘t even sure he would ever be able to return home, when all he had for a companion was a woman with the face of a lover but the approach of a predator, a woman who tasted of war and loved a version of him he never wanted to become.

It was disheartening for him to watch how she acted around him. Never truly calm, never allowing herself to let her guard down fully as if she expected him to hurt her any moment. How badly had this man that bore his face treated her? How perverted was the idea of love in this universe that she held on to all of this pain and mistreatment and treasured it? He felt sick just thinking about it.

There were moments where he wanted to reach out to her and tell her she deserved better, that she should consider herself worth more than what _he_ had been willing to give her. But at the moment she was always quick to shut down discussions about her love, about where her heart lay and so he kept those thoughts to himself rather than pressing the issue. In this universe there was so much wrong he wasn‘t sure talking would fix anything anyway, especially not for someone who was as deeply rooted in the ideologies and beliefs of this place as she was. As much as it pained him to see her obviously hurt there wasn‘t much he could do to help her, not when all the ways he usually attempted to cheer the _other_ _her_ up failed so miserably in a place like this.

One night they had sat by the fire, far away from the nearest city and the empire‘s clutches ... and had simply talked for a while. Katrina had said more that night than she had the whole week before. He wanted to claim she was opening up to him but he was guessing the lines between him and the man she had known so long were simply starting to blur more and more for her just like they did for him every time he looked at her.

“I can never go back.”, she had said, eyes stubbornly focused on the fire in front of her rather than daring to look at him. “They’ll execute me for treason if they find out why I was missing for so long.” It wasn’t the first time she had mentioned how dangerous this situation was for her and how terrible it would be if they were discovered together but she had never spoken about it with such sorrow in her voice before. “I bet they’re already spreading rumours about my possible involvement in the failed coup. They knew I was .. friends with him.” He had looked at her for a moment, attempted to think about something clever to say, something that might lighten her spirit again but had found nothing instead. He had started to understand why love was considered so dangerous in this place, why she carried it around with her with such secrecy. It had horrified him. He couldn’t imagine living like this every single day, always on the lookout for possible threats from within, from his own crew, his own friend circle. It sounded so exhausting, so depressing. No wonder everyone here was too tired to change something, to rebel against this terrible regime.

“What will you do when we actually find a way to get me home?” He hadn’t actually attempted to think that far before. Maybe he had been selfish enough to hope everything would be okay as soon as he made it back home but she didn’t have the option of simply going back home to a place where everything was alright again, where she was treated with the respect and dignity she deserved so what did she have planned now that she had made herself guilty of a crime against the crown?

“I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll try start new in one of the colonies at the outer corner of the empire, somewhere no one will recognise me.” She didn’t sound too hopeful, if anything it sounded more like she was simply trying to come up with _something_ that he would accept as answer enough from her. She was building up walls again. It wasn’t the first time she had shut him out like that, she had done it more often than not and he knew he couldn’t simply tear those walls down without time, without offering her his trust first and the more he did that, the more he tore down his _own_ walls the more he was slowly falling for the illusion that he knew her, that he could trust her when he barely had any reason to do that. The moment she decided to wake up from her own dream and recognise the man she loved was likely dead she could easily decide to hand him over to the empire, close that last chapter once and for all and move on for good. In a place like this he wouldn’t even be able to blame her if she did decide to save herself over him.

“You could come with me, you know?” The words were spoken quicker than he was able to actually process what he was doing. This suggestion that he had been thinking about for weeks was out now, no longer something he could simply take back or shove into the back of his mind again because it was stupid and careless and he couldn’t promise her that! But she had heard him, the sheer surprise on her face as she finally looked up more than confirmed it.

“You would take me with you?” There was a certain hesitation in her question, a refusal to give in to the idea that this could work, that he was actually making a promise to her. He could try and back out now, pretend he hadn’t meant what he had said but the thought barely occurred to him when he already dismissed it. “Yes. The Federation would recognise you as a fugitive, they would _have_ to grant you asylum.” It was a stupid idea to bring her with him. They didn’t even know how to get him back to the universe he belonged to in the first place, let alone how to take another person with him. Besides, there was a Katrina Cornwell already waiting for him at home. _He couldn’t do this to her…._

… but he also couldn’t let this Katrina be left behind in a world that had nothing good left in store for her.

Their conversation that night started a new chapter between them, a dangerous one. Had they been close to blurring the lines between truth and their wishful thinking before, they were outright erasing them now. Suddenly there was something between them that went beyond a simple alliance of convenience. He didn’t dare put too much thought into it, knowing he would only keep himself awake at night worrying over the implications when he needed every bit of sleep he could get here. They were still constantly on the run, attempting to find any information that could be useful to their cause but now there was the tiniest sign of genuine trust between them, _more_ than that if he was honest with himself.

He fell back into the habit of simply calling her _Kat_ and when she called him _Gabriel_ it was no longer with the same carefully crafted indifference in her voice. He no longer looked away when he caught him smiling at her and she no longer denied that she returned the smile as well. 

They were playing a dangerous game one that would have to end badly eventually and while they were both aware of it with every day they became more and more willing to ignore it.


End file.
